Terrible weeks have passed by and I'm glad I managed to survive both physically and mentally. Well not really so for the mentally part. I try to take one day at a time but it just seems rather difficult when there are like so many things to handle within one year. At least to me its many, but I don't know, let's list them out. First and most obvious is A levels, Grade 8 piano practical, SYF choir, Robotic time and commitment(teacher keeps breathing down my back), signing up for NS, prepareing for NS (NAPFA), searching my feelings and thoughts about whether my feelings for ppl are infatuation or something else. So many things piling up and well kinda hard to think.
Hard to think simply leads to my remembering that day. First time ever been berserk before. So scary, emotions like totally lost in only one word "KILL". Man it was so totally freaky. Haiz I probably kinda freaked out my friends already. I don't know, these few weeks its been hard to control myself mentally. I don't know what to do, how to do things. I just wanna rest my brains. I really wonder to myself sometimes am I doing the right things. I really have the tendency to act before I think, so explains my berserk nature/behavior. Wish I could change myself for the better. Already worked hard building rapport with lots of friends and not good to lose them all just because I don't think before I act.
Personality wise I'm not really sure of it myself. I'm think I'm like a chameleon. Kinda changing to the environment or people around me. If got high people already I get high, well I've learnt before that's how you build rapport but it kinda loses my individuality. The thing is, who should I be? Be myself, but how? I don't know, it sure doesn't really look positive on me but I don't know how to change for the better. Haiz life really sucks. Wish I could deal with things better.
Today had the abortion talk. Was showed a really gruesome video. Man it was totally sick. Here again conflict occurs. How should I respond? I don't know, part of me just wanna cry out in pain and part of me just clenches my fist and ready to go berserk again. Sensitive, or monstrosity. Which do I choose? I really don't know. Stupid stereotyped world. I wish I could solve my problems one at the time, but yea its hard.
Well its good to reflect once in a while on things around you. It can sort of put things in perspective for you and help you sort things better. But right now I'm still as confused as ever. Music may calm the savage beast within but for how long? I don't know, music is my life. Just as many things else that remove me from reality and enjoy a more soothing experience elsewhere. I wish, I could have someone to hug again.
12:21 pm;
N {PROFILE}
Norman Woon
21 Years Young
Male
27/03/1987
MJS, MSS, CJC(rox)
