{SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.}

Friday, June 30, 2006

title:{Life Sucks}

Man fucking cheebye. All my course mates are bunch of fucking bastards. CSM ask people who the fuck wanna take up the guard duty spot. Anyway everyone all need to do just only which weekend. Then ask for people to do for this weekend. All the fucking cheebye assholes just give fucked up reasons like "Oh i got farewell party." "Oh my girlfriend leaving in 3 weeks time. Fuck you lah. Wah lau eh. CSM so good give you chance you all want to fucking give this bullshit reason. I also got my fucking commitments what? Lan jiao lei. Like I very free like that. I one week can give 2 or 3 peoples reason lor. Fuckers man.

Today Stand by bed not bad. Kena checked by CSM. Wah so good man. Never kena a single pumping. Wah orgasm ar. Shiok lol. But sianz. Tomorrow got guard duty. Must book in tonight by 2359. Sianz only like 3 hours outside. Fuck man. FUck you all man. Chao cheebye one by on. Lan jiao.

Sianz. Super depressed. Read book on depression also not helping. Doesn't really help when I always try my best to put up a good face to show people I'm a normal kid just like them so I can fit in. Fuck it man. Trying my best liao still got so many assholes in the world. Not easy man. So many things on my mind, so many things to plan for. Stupid army man. Wasting my time.

9:21 pm;

Sunday, June 25, 2006

title:{Depression}

For the first time in my life, I didn't put Choir as top priority. Don't know whatever came over me. Lol. A changed man. Feel kinda guilty though. Mixed feelings. Don't know.

Went out with my secondary school friends. Went to Marina Bay to eat the steamboat there. Wah the soup damn salty man. Didn't really eat much until full. Everyone was like eat until wah cannot take it liaoz. Then go play arcade. LOL. I still can get high score for X-Men VS Street Fighter. Saw Aik Chong get top rank for the Combat game. Wah one man chiong sia. Went to Kovan Macs to sit down and talk cock. Talked about comicbook characters, like Superman and Spiderman and X-Men. Talked about their evolution and current stuff. Kinda fun.

Sianz. Life sucks. I got like really bad mood swings. Sometimes I'm okay. Sometimes I feel really like shit. Gotta rely on my Hershey Kisses to keep me up. Chocolate can help depression. So they say. Gonna create a bad habit and reliance on it. Beats alcohol anyway. But more fattening. Haiz.

I wonder how I'm gonna go through this phase. Kinda sucks. Not a kind of person who talks much about personal emotions. Finally burst liaoz. Shit feeling. Lost so much. Lost my faith in myself, in God. Lost my singing voice. Lost my old self. Now just like secondary school times again. Lots of vulgarities. Lol. Even now my speech in front of my Mom is kinda like let loose liao. Words I don't usually say just flows out.

Strange thing that I'm aware of it all. All the books I read sure makes you understand things better. But downside, I don't know how to solve the problem. I know and understand the causes and what things mean. But still, I can't fucking solve anything. Sianness. Where will this whole episode lead. Where will it end. When will it end. And most importantly. How will it end.

2:52 am;

Saturday, June 17, 2006

title:{Black}

Everything is moving so fast. Everyone else seems to have somewhere to go, something to do. All I'm doing is simply sitting down at home and rotting away.

Haiz. Goodness knows what day it is and how many days have past since. Everything is still black black black. I'm slipping. That thin line just seems to get closer and closer all the time. Even booze doesn't provide me the satisfaction. It can't even dull me anymore. Sobs.

Somehow all this seems to be the source of the eternal phelgm within me. No matter how much I cough it somehow stays stuck. How irritating. Sianz.

Been thinking about my dream girl. My literally dream girl which I saw more than 3 times. Then a dream took over. And it was another weird ass scenario. But not bad. At least glimpse into what my mind is thinking in my current state. A nice hotel or resort with personalized bedrooms and names hanging outside. And lots of handwritten welcome cards drawn by the native kids. Somehow who I saw in the dream was kinda unexpected considering I've never talked to that person for months until last night.

Hmmm my phelgm has a bit of redness in it. Like blood. Maybe I'm starting to vomit and cough up blood already. Lung cancer. Or some throat infection disease. How nice. First I lose my singing voice. Then I lose my voice. How about going straight to the dying part. Sheesh. Prolonged misery.

8:46 am;

Thursday, June 15, 2006

title:{Falling}

I'm falling. Into the deep darkness of depression. Everything is like bleak liao. I was back to school. I thought maybe singing and being with all the rest would be a way to save myself. At least I had the conscious mind to be polite to Mrs Lok.

I hardly have the energy to be interacting. Good thing I have my trusty cap. Can at least shield my eyes from all the people around me. No more life. Haiz. I don't know what's going on anymore. I just feel lost. Empty. All them sad songs just do nothing but make me wanna cry.

Dinner at "Pepper Lunch". To tell the truth, I didn't really enjoy it very much. All the talking, all the laughing. I was totally not in it. Had to find an excuse to leave. It was really getting unbearable. Felt good to blend into the crowd and just lose myself. Considering I've already lost myself.

I don't have the energy to be angry anymore. I'm just a lost soul. Wondering where the fair winds will send me to. Even my faith is like almost gone. The Lord is there. I know it. He is somehow trying to help me. But I guess I'm not helping myself enough.

I'm still sick. Got cough. I miss my coke. My bottle of chardonnay sits in my cupboard waiting for me. I think I'm going to risk it and just drink another third of it. Afterall, I bought it to relieve myself. I used to wonder why people do things like drinking and smoking. Somehow it all make sense to me. Beats sitting in the toilet and crying. At least do something that feels good for a few seconds even though it kills. Life sucks.

10:40 pm;

Sunday, June 11, 2006

title:{Darkness}

Man I feel really dark. So much evil and hatred and anger. And nothing to soothe it all. Whahaha. How nice to be feeling that way. Kinda sucks because there is still many little pockets of good conscience and guilt and goodwill and all that stuff. Can still feel it residing somewhere inside.

Still sick. Rather I am sick. What the fuck. Anyways been coughing like mad. Like got lung cancer like that. Haha. The doctor even asked me if I smoke. I'm like what the hell man. Not yet anyways lol. Fever subsided but not the headache. Man it still hurts once in a while. And my knee is still hurting once in a while as well. I don't know why but its been there for quite a while liao. Maybe I can use it to go downgrade or something. At least I can go avoid some stuff for now. Stupid running all the time and not enough time to recover. Goodness. That's what SAF does to you. Fucking knock you upside down and spit you out. They don't call it SERVE AND FUCKOFF for nothing man. Serve your ass off and then they fucking kick you onto the street and leave you there to fend for yourself.

Anyways. Yupz. What shall I speak of this time. I have no idea. I just wish, somehow things will get better. But judging from the news, the world seems to get suckier and fuckier all the time. Hehe Fuckier, I wonder if such a word existed. Lol I bet many people probably have already gotten disgusted at my blog posts. Oh wells. Can't be helped. People change all the time. Some into worse case like myself. Woohoo High Five man.

Kinda sucks I cannot enjoy myself during my block leave. There is like only a few more days left to enjoy and I'm fucking sick. What the hell man. Why the hell should I get sick on the best of times. I wanna enjoy a nice cup of coffee, watch movies, eat chips and drink booze till kingdom comes. And of course not to forget eat lots of junk food. Man I gotta like make up for all the lost time by double dosing myself with the junk materials. I'll try it soon. Peace out. <---Irony

9:53 pm;

Saturday, June 10, 2006

title:{Sickness Plagues}

Hi, managed to find the strength to type this. LOL. I had a temperature of 37.9 degrees celsius, and now its about 38.3 degree celsius. I off the thermometer at that point. Scary.

Man when you're sick, you start thinking about weird ass stuff. Like you're gonna die like that. Woohoo. Hmmm. Well maybe I should start writing my will lol. Oh crap. I think I'm off to lie down and try to cool myself down. Try TO. Haha. I hope I don't get heat stroke and die or something.

Maybe its the mixture of alcohol, cough syrup and panadol that did it. Kinda slow acting poison isn't it. Takes 24 hours to come into effect. Oh wells. My brain is frying whee!!!. Haha. Well, I'm off. Just wanna say I love you guys woohoo!. Getting sick sure can make you high.

1:51 am;

Thursday, June 08, 2006

title:{Crossroads}

Finally, BMT is over. No more crap until after block leave is over. So its freedom for a while.

Life sux. Its hard to be who I was during JC. I can't even remember what I was like. I feel very pressured. I feel like I'm putting up a false front. Rather I am putting up a false front. In front of people I try my best to be a nice person. But still some people don't really appreciate it.

Maybe its just army stress. But still, ever since I went to army, I hardly pray anymore. I rarely pray. I don't know why, but the connection seems lost. Probably clouded or just isn't there anymore. I don't feel the same anymore.

Fuck man. Fuck this whole shit. My pillars of support isn't there anymore. Crumbling. I can feel it. All them temptation is just hard to resist anymore. Expensive but well, somehow they seem to soothe me better. Cigarettes, Alcohol, and them pills. Haha. How sweet the scent of them. Whee. Lol. Though the relief might be temporary, its still better than nothing.

I hate isolation. Somehow, with people around I can still try to be a nice person or fake it LOL. I think too much. Isolation just gives me the undesired time to let thoughts run wild. Stupid humans. What the fuck am I fighting for? Worthless bunch of creatures whose DNA is coded to kill and die. Haha. Pathetic morons. FUCK!! Haha.

Things feel so secondary school. All the vulgarities. All the testosterone running wild. Its so fun. Somehow it feels so home like. But still, its not the same as before. Secondary school, we don't get fucked upside down. Hmmm. My thoughts just can't seem to run straight now. Too much booze. And chips. And maybe a nice pack of smokes would make it complete. Not yet anyway. Still not there yet. There might be hope still, but oh wells. Who cares anyway.

The 2 sides seemed more distinct now. Who shall reign free. And who shall die. I wonder. Hmmm. Life is so fucked up. Everyone is so fucked up. So much rage. Can't imagine I kept them all up for so long. People should talk about their emotions more often man. If you don't, well then good luck trying to contain that flame. Haha, its a nice experience though if you know how to direct that fiery rage into flaming some poor ass. Let's see who's the first loser to die by my hands.

9:34 pm;

Sunday, June 04, 2006

title:{Out For A While}

Finally out of the stupid camp after 2 weeks of living inside. God its horrible. Still got nothing about SAF choir audition. Man do they really want me to go make myself invalid just so I can pursue some ambition. What the fuck man. Screw them bastards. Seriously the world is going nuts. I don't know. I feel like I'm living on a tiny island, oh wait. I am living on a tiny island. What the hell. It sucks beside isolated from the rest of the world. I was like, when the earthquake happened, and I'm like what the fuck just happened. Out there, chaos everywhere and I'm sitting in the bunk eating chips and drinking soda. Bah isolation is bad. I don't even know what the hell is going on with the world now. It's such a chore to keep up with the world.

3 more days to POP. Rather 2 more days if I don't count today. Booking out yesterday was super great. Marching past all the new enlistees. We were like singing out loud "3 more days to POP!." LOL. Loving man. Probably made them all demoralized or something. Oh wells, judging from their huge size, they probably are the fat batch so they will be staying in camp for a even longer time. Bah. Its still crap. LOL.

Where the hell will my next path be. I don't know. Maybe I should start seeing specialists. Get some letters to downgrade myself. Stupid heat injury crap. Happens everytime. I hate it man. Everyone is like walking so nicely, and I'm like lagging behind. Extremely what the fuck. Never the mind, I just hope don't get into shit ass unit. Be some slack stuff and SAF it( Serve and fuck off ). That's what it's all about.

Reunion with secondary school friends. Had a little gathering. Rather only 5 people but better than nothing. Supposed to eat at some cafe but the whole Heartland Mall was crowded. So end up just eating MacDonalds. Even a simple meal can be so fun. We were basically crapping a lot and laughing all the time. Although the subjects we talked about wasn't very desiring lol. But who cares man, we're having fun. Everyone around us was like studying. Man though its good to be out of that phase, I'd rather be in it. At least there will always be choir to look out for. I can't fucking sing anymore man. Unless its Bass or something like that. Baritone. No more tenor liaoz. Voice is gone. Courtesy of SAF. Bah stupid bastards.

Anyways about my vocabulary. Sorry can't be helped. Its part and parcel of military life. Like they say, what's the point of being a soldier when you don't swear. You don't have the agressiveness there so its useless. You try it, maybe you will see it in a different light. Still got 8 hours of freedom left. Oh wells. PEACE out everyone, lol, as if there is about to happen.

11:56 am;