Its a personal choice. Its about what you choose to do and accepting the consequences. How long shall I continue with my current state? Should I just bury all my negatives as I always do and just be happy. Or just throw away everything that I hold dear to myself and be a lone ranger. Both ways seem satisfying. The former and latter reaping no benefits whatsoever but just affecting the body and mind quite a lot.
Sitting in the darkness all alone. Waiting for someone for quite a while now. Who shall extend forth a hand which I will grab. And surface into the light once again. There can be no one at all. Or I've just been ignoring all who have been reaching out. That is even if there is anyone at all. I wonder who actually bothers to care.
Things just seem like the I'm walking alone yet again. Its been almost a year. Much have changed yet it is back to the way it was again. My last few ropes still hanging onto me. Perhaps I should just cut them away and float into oblivion. I doubt anyone cares anyway. So shall I do it or not? What have I to lose? Possibly more than I can imagine, and maybe more than what I expected it to be.
My musicality fades away. My voice reduces to nothing at all. I don't want to sing anymore. I see no reason to singing. Shall this be the rope I'll cut off? Remove any ideas of pursuing a choral career? Why not, since right now its bringing much pain than joy. I loved singing but how choir just degrades, my love simply disintegrates. The spark it was once, the flame is has been, starts to extinguish. But I can feel my life being tied down by it. If one is missing, the other goes as well. So how shall I play this game now?
8:18 pm;
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
title:{Depression Ahoy}
Its quite interesting to know someone else is experience some emotions and thoughts the same way as you do. Yes, somehow its comforting to know you're not alone in your darkness and there is light around you. I've drifting too much into the wrong end. Somehow I don't know whether I want to go back to the normal.
Today I've skipped a practice. Why? So I can wrestle my inner demons. Face them from the inside and try to meditate. At least that was the plan. Read a few blogs, found a few similarities in thoughts. Why am I still in choir? Everyone's leaving and just hecking care. Tension is high and things aren't the same as before. What was once a whole is now in parts/pieces. Same goes for my heart, it is now shattered. Heart-broken I feel lost. Where do I turn to now? And where do I belong.
Others before self. Or specifically qouting from old principal "A man for others." Simply means to me, my own problems are of no significance. Ignore it and just go out of your way to help others. Lighten up the lives and be happy in the joy you have induced in others. Then again, what about myself? Deny myself of everything possible and just ignore my own feelings? Keeping up the facade and lies that all is well? I don't know. I am starting to not care. Afterall who cares in the first place?
Religion. What's holding me back probably are all my doubts. Belief is strong but faith is weak. I am having trouble walking through this journey right now. I need an outlet. And all I've encountered are simply not appropriate. I hate some people, bunch of morons. Wonder what their existence is all about. Provoking me and pushing to see how far I can go? Well I'm at the end already where do you want me to go? To fall over the edge and finish myself off?
All that I once hold dear to me, the insides just clouds everything. It tells me I should just heck care and do what you want to do. Who cares about others, why bother when others don't even care. Just walk your own path and seek your own destiny. At what cost? Losing everything I've worked hard for? Losing everything and everyone whom I once loved. Bah all these random thoughts cannot be phrased properly into words. I just pray that the Lord will guide me and help me out of this rut. Despite me still doubting much of his wonders and love for us all. Forgive me for all I have done and forgive others as well if I failed to do so.
I want to give up. I can feel my insides just kneeling over and crying in pain. I hide it well but the coughing just gets bad lately. Guess keep all these inside is really bad for your health. My heart aches for solace but whom shall I seek? In helping others, you help yourself. So how do I do that? Continue to lie, or just continue to cry.
9:15 pm;
Thursday, July 21, 2005
title:{The Dark Side}
Hmmm...There is a dark side to everything. The farm, the force, the corporate as well. Well anyway Choir again yesterday. Such a big bombshell dropped on everyone, Jon had decided to quit. Man why is everyone just hecking care all they have worked for and just abandoning it just because of results? I mean June holidays of 4 full weeks should be sufficient ya? I don't know about everyone else but probably since I did not suffer that much a blow with bad results.
But still the throughout all of the practice at church for the council investiture, I kinda wonder whether I should leave as well. Getting lesser and lesser people to sing wtih and its getting so not fun anymore. Even Miss Babes face can see the discontentment.
Bad weather this whole week. Making me sick and thus always making me think too much. Oh well the only cool thing was probably the dinner with Cheryl and Maylyn. Saw Allen Wu and Wong Li Lin. Had dinner with them although they were like 2 tables away. So technicall still dined within their vicinity. Man she's so freaking skinny, haha. Anyway that's so far the coolest thing in this week.
Rusell Peters seems to be infecting the whole school. So apparent in the Racial Harmony Day's celebration. Oh well just don't overdo it then its fine I suppose.
4:47 pm;
title:{What Color I Am}
Green
You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature.
I remember when I first started composing some nice tunes. Its amazing how your feelings can actually be translated into music. But well first time I composed, songs were mostly all those minorish kind, all them sad musics. But well today also compose some sad music. Bah I can't think of anything else happy to compose. Its all about my feelings.
I can't help but think about choir again. Man her walking about. Her 'whatever' at me. Sianz. Well can't be helped. What's done is done. Have to accept things that have come to pass and pray for the better.
8:22 pm;
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
title:{How To Forgive}
"How To Forgive" is quite an interesting book. Its amazing how much those pages really can reflect what happened in my life. Oh well, I think after reading it I'll re-read it again. Very interesting I must say. Many thanks for the book.
Religion. Joseph's been talking much about it lately. Trying to convert me I suppose. Not that I need much prompting. Just that its a thought that has been in my head for quite some time and hasn't been stirred up so much until of late. Just a dormant thought but its something to think about and how it can affect my life. I suppose I'll let things run their course to determine what I'll choose in the end.
Choir. Today was bad I suppose. Miss Babes walked out of us again. Haiz, my fault for not volunteering?? I don't know. Well its not I don't want to volunteer, its quite nice to be called upon to sing but I don't like singing this kind of songs like that. Give me a score and I'll guanrantee I'll learn it within a day. But wow listen to CD and see lyrics and try to learn it. Sheesh council people, how do you get elected. On fame or on brains. Choose a better song, or rather some song with proper score.
We're a choir for goodness sake, we harmonize. At least a proper score can allow us to see how the music goes and all the chords to facilitate us. Don't just "ooo that's a nice song let's ask the choir to sing it.' Sheesh. Think first, apparently they don't have choral background to understand this importance. Choose properly man. A simple score can make a difference to the music as a whole. CD and lyrics is so much more work. You want others to help, least you can do it help others first. Not like dump work and say 'hey get this done' and we'll be like 'how the hell do you do that'.
That's a very interesting food for thought.
9:02 pm;
Saturday, July 09, 2005
title:{Sadness}
My past is haunting me yet again. So much more often lately. Everytime I advance a step is holds me back. My past misdeeds, my failures, my misadventure, my sins. All creeping up from behind, reminding me who I once was, someone apparently not human. I cannot believe I once committed those evils, and cannot believe I was once such a person. I try to change, but deep down I still think I'm the same. I want to be different. I've already made progress so much since the beginning of the start of JC. Yet even through those times it is still littered with many many more evil deeds.
Each time you hurt someone you drive a nail into a fence. Once you learn to avoid that you remove a nail for each day you be tolerant and forgive others. But in the end the fence is still full of holes within. No matter how I change myself, I always see the darker side, where I've already riddled many holes into others. I hate myself for doing that. I'd rather kill myself then allow anyone to be hurt by me. Its so not fair. I don't wish to hurt anyone anymore. Why can't we just live in peace forever. Why must there be conflict. I cannot help it to feel angry and when I lash out the scar will hurt if not on others then inside myself.
I have everything I ever wanted. Many friends and my family. People who love me for who I am. But I'm still not happy. I do love myself and try my best to forgive all including myself. But its not enough. Guess I'm pretty greedy about wanting many things.
Religion begins to have meaning to me now. I start to understand certain things better in a sense. A craving now for christmas songs more specifically O Holy Night. Man that song rockz. To me somehow I feel that that song has a very interesting meaning towards it. The birth of Christ. It's a cool song that I don't think I'll ever get bored of it.
Searching for comfort but finding none. Or perhaps just rejecting those that are already around me. What am I looking for and what I do want. I don't know. I'm just pretty lost I guess. Searching for something which probably is already there but I don't realize it
10:15 pm;
N {PROFILE}
Norman Woon
21 Years Young
Male
27/03/1987
MJS, MSS, CJC(rox)
