{SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.}

Sunday, July 30, 2006

title:{Weekend Mania}

The weekends have come and gone. Sadly this week didn't have any music at all.

I will decline to write anymore about my army life so blog entries shall just contain summaries of weekend activity. I would say quite a fun weekend. Every weekends are fun. Get to book out and get away from the wretched place. Military. Study of obedience. Its kinda like milgram's technique there.

I find military discipline more of stupidity than of use. Its more like forcing and brain-washing people into doing the bidding of others. Good thing I'm gone immune to it already. I'm gonna do some research on this thing. And if I can gather enough evidence to expose all the wrongness in it. I can probably eliminate NS from the lives of the good citizens of this world. Notice I didn't say citizens of Singapore. That's because I prefer to see the world as One United Place rather than segregation of people of different color race and what other shit.

Saturday. Watched Lake House. Quite a nice show I must say. First time watching a romance show, that doesn't really suck much. Lots of couples in the cinema I must say. Everyone is practically like in pairs. So people watching the show. Please be in pairs. Boy pair or girl pair, doesn't make a difference. Gonna be weird if you're alone.

Then had dinner with me secondary school friends. Ajisen Ramen. Quite nice. Depends on what you choose though. Kinda realize how maturity can change us. When we were young, what we mostly do is talk talk talk talk talk. But as you grow older, when you start to question and give opinions about various topics, it becomes a conversation. So people please take note there is a significant difference between talking and conversing. Don't mix them up. Then went to ang mo kio and slacked around.

Kinda boring weekend I must say. But it feels good to be with the dudes again. Just that I need my music man. Singing and stuff like that. I'm gonna buy a bass guitar soon. Hearing all those songs, man the bass is like so totally it. Gonna learn it soon. And psychology as well. Improve my brain. So that knowledge is power and when its powerful enough, I'll crush all the useless and brainless morons that think they can control people's lives just because they do stupid stuff. Not really looking at the big picture.

7:59 pm;

Sunday, July 23, 2006

title:{Search For An Identity}

Recap of the week. As usual its boring outfield and lessons and stuff like that. Next week is the last week of the common phase. Everyone's gonna be split up into different specialization groups. How sad. Rather how troublesome. Gotta move all the stuff again. So much clothes and items to move. Darn change of bunk. Oh wells.

Anyway had a retest for the G11-Director set up. Finally managed to just pass but burnt off a saturday morning and early afternoon. Rushed home to change and eat lunch. Was supposed to go to out and meet up but by the time I was up the train. It was so late. In the train thinking "why the hell am I going in the first place" So rode for 2 stops before changing sides and going back to Compass Point for a library coffee break. long commute, heavy travel. End up spending the saturday the usual boring way, going out with parents and stuff like that.

Supposed to be a way better schedule. Rather something to waste myself with. Go sing, then go meet up with classmates for a late dinner, then head down to DXO and club all the way till morning. Nothing beats the environment of drinking and smoking. But kinda boring if you go alone. So change of plans. Pigging out with chips and booze at home is way cheaper than the entrance fee into the club. And I don't get hangovers.

Sianz. Dawn went back to australia. So coincident, she saw yien li there. Oh wells. Didn't managed to find time to ask her out. Gotta wait till december. Darn long wait.

One more month of course. Before I cease to be a trainee and become a MAN. Stupid. I hate artillery. Need to go overseas for Exercise and waste months over there. Its so not cool to be disconnected from friends here. Already weekdays are practically burnt, and now weekends are becoming more inconvenient and unpredictable. Sucks big time. Kinda depressing.

5:48 pm;

Sunday, July 16, 2006

title:{Escapism}

Recap of today.

Morning had medical appointment with an orthopedics specialist at Mount Elizabeth. Man crazy prices. Took X-rays and had a blood test. So far the diagnosis is that no visible joint problem. But blood test will show the deeper stuff, see whether got funny funny rheumatism. Freaky man. To get such shit at my age. Oh wells. My knees are freaking funky man. Sometimes will just ache for no reason. Sitting down will also kena. Fuck man.

Then had a small group gathering. Sianz. Then went out with dinner with parents. And finally watched Pirate Of the Carribean with secondary school buddies.

Sian. Before I came home, got this suddenly realization. Why am I trying so hard to pack my days. I find that I'm just basically distracting myself. But ultimately I stil have to face that shit somehow. Haiz. Somehow I feel rather distant from many people now. Had an argument with my Mom yesterday. So far things still turn out fine.

Fuck man. I can understand her concern for my health but wah lau, everyweek I book out and have so little time for my own personal activites. Its seriously fucking stress. So many things to juggle around.

Seeing my friends again, I feel rather not really happy. I felt sad rather. Why? Because I miss them a lot. And seeing them just so not often is like crap. I miss everyone in school. I miss school. I miss my friends. I miss choir. I missing singing. And most of all, I miss myself. Since the beginning, I somehow lost part of myself along the way. I can hardly rememeber what it was like being myself. I'm like forcing myself to be happy in front of peoples. Trying to put on a smile to show that I'm normal. But inside its just an empty shell, a shadow of what's left of the former self.

Drinking, eating. Somehow it just isn't good enough to drown out the pain. Everyday I long for someone, or a particular someone. I just want to have someone to lean on. Everything seems to be crumbling around me. The world, my knees, my voice.

How many panadols does it take to end the pain? And how many more, to end the life?

1:32 am;

Saturday, July 08, 2006

title:{Sinking In More}

I was reading a Star Wars book. Kinda interesting a few short paragraphs which I came across.

( "The dark is generous.

Its first gift is concealment: our true faces lie in the dark beneath our skins, our true hearst remain shadowed deeper still. But the greatest concealment lies not in protecting our secret truths, but in hiding from us the truths of others.

The dark protects us from what we dare not know.

Its second gift is comforting illusions: the ease of gentle dreams in night's embrace, the beauty that imagination brings to what would repel in day's harsh light. But the greatest of its comfort is the illusion that the dark is temporary: that every night brings a new day. Becuase it is day that is temporary.

Day is the illusion.

Its third figt is the light itself: as days are defined by the nights that divide them, as stars are defined by the infinite black through which they wheel, the dark embraces the light, and brins it forth from the center of its own self.

With each victory of the light, it is the dark that wins. ")

Kinda cool huh? Feels so much like me.

12:06 am;

Sunday, July 02, 2006

title:{Guard Duty}

24 hours guard duty is no joke man. Even for sentry. Prowlers work so much more. So fucked up. One ass go report sick, and the reserve never call in. So 9 man guard become 8 man. All the detail schedule ended up being screwed up as well. Supposed to do like 2 hours work, 4 hours rest. Total I end up doing 10 hours work. Fuck.

So much for being the good guy. Help you all enjoy your weekend. I end up fucking myself upside down. Gotta reschedule own personal stuff. Fuckers man. Give up already.

I totally like give up in life. I really don't know what the fuck is going anymore. Suddenly everything just makes no sense to me anymore. I don't know why things happen but ya they fucking happen. Shit man. Life sucks. I say it all the time but ya. People say its just in the mind. Well I guess I got a fucked up mind eh. Sianz. Really tired liaoz. Tired of everything. Tired of life. Every now and then I can feel God trying to reach out to me. And I am aware of that happening. Yet I just push it away.

How long more can I last. I predict maybe less than 2 years. Hopefully my horrors can end before ORD. Let it all end. Once and for all. Less worries. Less pain. Less suffering. Easy way out but who the fuck cares man. As far as I'm sure of it, this is one little speck of dust in the universe that will not be missed.

Haiz, what can bring about a quick and painless end. A bottle or two cough syrup? But tekong medicine kinda sucks. Panadols? How many man. I'm sure alcohol isn't going work. Unless I grind the pills or something, faster reaction I heard. Lol.

Music supposed to be something that bring joy to me. Now I end up crying most of the time. I avoid every opportunity to gather and sing. Fucked up. Everything is.

5:13 pm;