{SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.}

Sunday, March 25, 2007

title:{A Spark}

A spark. A glimmer. Just a tiny flame still glowing in the dark. Which would you notice most. The black or the white. The small ones are always the ones that make a difference. Just like the little voice in me. So irritating. How to get him to shut up. I don't know. But somehow his voice holds more weight than the rest.

The song 'Hide And Seek' comes to mind. Where are we, what the hell is going on. Seriously. I don't know. I'm kinda confused at the moment. Even sitting down and relaxing ain't helping me no more. Too much thoughts and conflict within. I don't know which side to choose. The good or bad. Either way. It doesn't let me sit on the fence. I have to choose. But which is it?

Burnt my hands before. Burn it again? Why? For what? What gains do I have? Should I even think about personal gains? No. Maybe yes, maybe no. But why? Too many complications. This year seriously sux big time. I can't seem to get anything right at all. Conflicts. Emotions running wild. Suppressing them isn't working out as I thought it would. Who cares? I do. Maybe someone else does. But who? Why? What is love? Where is love? Lost. In here. In there. In everywhere. Its confusing. Where will this end, where will this take me. What am I looking for? You? Me? Them? What?

Songs. Music. Acapella. Fading. Fast. What is it? I can't remember. Who am I? What are they? What is this all about? Where does it go? Where will it stop?. Now? Here? When? So many questions. Too many questions. Little answers. Listen to whom? GOD? The darkness? Myself? My friends? Who? And where are they? Not here, not there. Somewhere. This is so confusing. I'm lost. I'm blind. I can't see. Who remembers even the memory of me?

8:55 pm;

Saturday, March 24, 2007

title:{Darkness Envelopes}

It fits like a glove. The feeling heightens awareness, sharpens thinking, making the future a little less murky. Immersing myself back into who I once was. The darkness just simply wraps around me as it once did. The cold and calculating mind.

Got selected for PGS. Presidential Gun Salute. For National Day Parade. Means weekend burns. I doubt the group would have understood how it feels like to waste your weekend. And have people abandon you. Not likely. Perhaps it was a good choice to leave. Attachment never was a strong subject for me. Everything I cling onto. Give my effort and love, I get cast aside. Always burning my own hands. I still love the past but its already gone. I doubt its even remembered.

Working alone yet again. Not something new, but still it feels rather awkward. Since it was the way it was before, I might as well be the way I was. Lol. Going to have the worst Birthday in my life. Perhaps other lousier ones more to come. Can't even get an off on the day itself. End up having to stay in camp to rehearse the stupid Change Of Command. Maybe girls should go NS for a while. Understand the guy's position in certain aspect of life. At least, they can see a better picture.

Haiz. Some part of me still lives on. Struggling to keep the flame alive. The one that gives people second chances. The one that loves his passion very much. The one where music gives him life. The one that is slowly dying inside. Who shall remember that such a person even existed. I'd bet my life. The answer is 'none'.

The person that my JC life people know. Shall probably cease to exist. Soon.

12:54 am;

Sunday, March 11, 2007

title:{Conflict}

I feel a strange conflict rising from within me. It interfering a lot of my thought patterns. I've starting to have problem thinking straight. I need a sabbatical, a place to run and hide away from everything. Friends, families, everyone. Be alone. Be with GOD. Asking him what to do. Knowing I'll probably still be influenced by the dark side.

Sucks. Feels like having split personality within me. I feel like an island. Marooned in a sea of thoughts. No bridges to salvation. No stairway to solace. Just sitting there all alone. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know how to handle everything. So many things. I know I can do it. Yet I prefer doing things my own way, not having the world to poke their nose into my world. The bubble probably burst few eons ago. I still trying to patch it up. I feel lost.

What to study. My music career's direction. My life's direction. What I want to do. Who I want to be. I look back at the past. Everything I've done so far. I don't know how much I can attribute to my friends. Maybe none. Considering a lot of stuff I've done it on my own. No support from others. No nothing. I went to CJC on my own. I joined Choir on my own accord. I have no connections. Only guidance from GOD. But sometimes I'd prefer a physical being there. At least it won't feel so lonely. I got someone to talk to about what I've done. And what I'm going to do.

Now the possibilities are endless. And the little voice insides dies away. I can't hear it anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. So many things to do. So many causes and effects and the many chain reaction from a single decision. Whether to take up another course to further my studies, or to upgrade my vocal skills and aim higher. More risk, more danger. I'd do it, but the cost is unknown. I need some sort of pillar. Feel so exposed. Haiz. Society's pressure sure is unnerving.

7:53 pm;

Thursday, March 01, 2007

title:{Charged Up}

HWARGH!!! LOL. Had some inspiration talk at Khatib camp. They trying to boost our mental prowess so we can get the best unit award. Talk about nonsense session. 2 Days of bullshitting.

I won't necessary say its bullshit. It just reminded me of my ALW experience. Brent and Dale's EmpowerU. Self-Confidence boosting workshop. So much similarities. It kinda like awaken some part of me yet again. I look back at the resolutions I made then. That wooden block I broke in half with my bare palm. Getting Rich. Getting Successful. Getting what I want. At least some part of me managed to retained the Never Say Die attitude. But through these years. It died down. Until now. I think I'm gonna follow through with that.

Not easy task. My long term goal. But I will achieve it. Grow taller, Be slimmer and grow killer abs. Who cares what others say. Who gives a damn whether it works or not. Its gonna work for me. I am willing to give up everything I've got and get that Goal. Once I get that. I will move on and get something else. If fail, fine, set another target and get it. Acapella, if that is what I really want. Then I'm gonna give it my all.

I think I should take some time to reset some of my goals. Trying to review the timeline yet again. And make sure they are realistic and achievable. Although some mental barriers must be broken, still be real. Not gonna happen.

8:02 pm;