{SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW.}

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

title:{Depression Ahoy}

Its quite interesting to know someone else is experience some emotions and thoughts the same way as you do. Yes, somehow its comforting to know you're not alone in your darkness and there is light around you. I've drifting too much into the wrong end. Somehow I don't know whether I want to go back to the normal.

Today I've skipped a practice. Why? So I can wrestle my inner demons. Face them from the inside and try to meditate. At least that was the plan. Read a few blogs, found a few similarities in thoughts. Why am I still in choir? Everyone's leaving and just hecking care. Tension is high and things aren't the same as before. What was once a whole is now in parts/pieces. Same goes for my heart, it is now shattered. Heart-broken I feel lost. Where do I turn to now? And where do I belong.

Others before self. Or specifically qouting from old principal "A man for others." Simply means to me, my own problems are of no significance. Ignore it and just go out of your way to help others. Lighten up the lives and be happy in the joy you have induced in others. Then again, what about myself? Deny myself of everything possible and just ignore my own feelings? Keeping up the facade and lies that all is well? I don't know. I am starting to not care. Afterall who cares in the first place?

Religion. What's holding me back probably are all my doubts. Belief is strong but faith is weak. I am having trouble walking through this journey right now. I need an outlet. And all I've encountered are simply not appropriate. I hate some people, bunch of morons. Wonder what their existence is all about. Provoking me and pushing to see how far I can go? Well I'm at the end already where do you want me to go? To fall over the edge and finish myself off?

All that I once hold dear to me, the insides just clouds everything. It tells me I should just heck care and do what you want to do. Who cares about others, why bother when others don't even care. Just walk your own path and seek your own destiny. At what cost? Losing everything I've worked hard for? Losing everything and everyone whom I once loved. Bah all these random thoughts cannot be phrased properly into words. I just pray that the Lord will guide me and help me out of this rut. Despite me still doubting much of his wonders and love for us all. Forgive me for all I have done and forgive others as well if I failed to do so.

I want to give up. I can feel my insides just kneeling over and crying in pain. I hide it well but the coughing just gets bad lately. Guess keep all these inside is really bad for your health. My heart aches for solace but whom shall I seek? In helping others, you help yourself. So how do I do that? Continue to lie, or just continue to cry.

9:15 pm;