My past is haunting me yet again. So much more often lately. Everytime I advance a step is holds me back. My past misdeeds, my failures, my misadventure, my sins. All creeping up from behind, reminding me who I once was, someone apparently not human. I cannot believe I once committed those evils, and cannot believe I was once such a person. I try to change, but deep down I still think I'm the same. I want to be different. I've already made progress so much since the beginning of the start of JC. Yet even through those times it is still littered with many many more evil deeds.
Each time you hurt someone you drive a nail into a fence. Once you learn to avoid that you remove a nail for each day you be tolerant and forgive others. But in the end the fence is still full of holes within. No matter how I change myself, I always see the darker side, where I've already riddled many holes into others. I hate myself for doing that. I'd rather kill myself then allow anyone to be hurt by me. Its so not fair. I don't wish to hurt anyone anymore. Why can't we just live in peace forever. Why must there be conflict. I cannot help it to feel angry and when I lash out the scar will hurt if not on others then inside myself.
I have everything I ever wanted. Many friends and my family. People who love me for who I am. But I'm still not happy. I do love myself and try my best to forgive all including myself. But its not enough. Guess I'm pretty greedy about wanting many things.
Religion begins to have meaning to me now. I start to understand certain things better in a sense. A craving now for christmas songs more specifically O Holy Night. Man that song rockz. To me somehow I feel that that song has a very interesting meaning towards it. The birth of Christ. It's a cool song that I don't think I'll ever get bored of it.
Searching for comfort but finding none. Or perhaps just rejecting those that are already around me. What am I looking for and what I do want. I don't know. I'm just pretty lost I guess. Searching for something which probably is already there but I don't realize it
10:15 pm;
N {PROFILE}
Norman Woon
21 Years Young
Male
27/03/1987
MJS, MSS, CJC(rox)
