Haiz. I don't want to scold anymore. I scold until I'm fucking sianz already. Its so tiring man. Living everyday feeling like crap, treated like crap, get fucked like crap. Basically my whole life is one fucked up crap. Why do I even bother man. My will to live just slips away. I still don't know what keeps me going on. Why can't the stupid brain just tell the whole body to fucking stop all its function.
During field camp saw friends and commanders smoking and smelling their exhalation makes me wanna smoke as well. Don't know why, but its so freaking stressful that I wanna take a puff too. But well, smoking is bad, so I'll just be a passive smoker. Die faster but what the crap. Maybe I'll take up drinking as well. Depressant. Might provide me some solace and 'high' before I die. I'm very tired man. Everyday is so mental.
I've been wondering, thinking of who to talk to about. But everytime I talk to people, I always try to be happy. Its an instinct to like try to be more jovial as least people won't ignore you. People don't like talking to gloomy people. Well its taking its toll on me. Fucking painful to live man. Ever since I came back from field camp, I just sit on one side and cry a lot. Its getting harder to carry on. Haiz.
Life is how to you choose to perceive it. So says some people. What I see myself is I've got a fucked up life. I practically screwed up since the beginning. What amazes me is God is always there to help me, even when I don't fucking deserve it. I'm like the first person that deserves to go burn. Haiz. You know, there is a question that runs through my head. "Where do you see GOD?". I see GOD mostly in the faces of babies. To me, they represent God's Power and His Will. In those infants, I see him and his great works. Fragile, but growing everyday, becoming stronger, and finally doing great things.
Pray, take care, lots of advices. I don't know where to start. I'm fucking tired of everything. Its really really draining me out. Maybe I'll just start taking up bad habits and hopefully it can kill me faster than this slow torturous crap. Endure they say. I grow weary. I don't even remember who I'm supposed to be.
11:35 pm;
N {PROFILE}
Norman Woon
21 Years Young
Male
27/03/1987
MJS, MSS, CJC(rox)
