I'm lost. I don't know where to go. I don't know who I am anymore. Everyday I sit and stare into blank space. Stoning without understanding what I'm supposed to do, who I'm supposed to be. I feel disconnected from my friends. I find it harder to connect to them. I don't know what to say. Their laughter makes no sense to me. Their joy feels empty to me.
It's all in the mind. Probably something very misunderstood by many. Doesn't really apply to everything actually. If that can be done, perhaps people would be immortals already. Could be done, but since it doesn't seem to be true, I guess the thinking might be wrong. Or must be wrong.
What's going on. I don't know. Everyone seems to be having a life of their own. I feel like I'm losing it. Even with my eyes close, I can sense so many things going on inside. The mental barrier that once surpressed all them all had just burst. Free floating thoughts and images. I should change my thinking. Perhaps. But my mind is rejecting everything. As usual. I'm not one who listens very well, choosing to do things my own style. Never believed in the straight common path. Some say its the thing killing me. Perhaps.
Those sleeping aid pills seem more tempting everyday. 21 pills. Avoid alcohol. I wonder what would happen. My friends probably are irritated by my current state. I wonder what really goes through their mind. I wonder what are they thinking whether I'm crapping with them. I worry what they think. Sometimes I think I should just run away and recreate a new life. But they stopped me. Leaving them is not something I want to do. Its not something I want to let go. But I guess I might need to do it soon.
But still I can't. I don't know what's holding me back. Given a choice of life and death. I chose life. Everytime the question pops in my head. Thinking of them will make me choose life. Why? I don't know. They are people whom I've been with for so long. Whom I sang with. Probably its because its an identity I don't want to lose. It's someone that people did like I guess. Or I hope. What am I anyway? An individual, or just a pawn in the human race board. Pushed around by society to do the biddings of others, instead of my own.
I just want to be myself. Without so much needing to impress others. To freely choose my own path. To dictate my every move. Maybe my greatest wish is for someone to actually like me. Or love me. Or respect me. Or just be there for me. The shoulder I've been looking for. The person to lean on. Maybe. I don't know. I never know. I wonder how much trouble I've caused. How many nails have I nailed into the wooden fence. Even so, when the nails are removed, the scars of it will remain. What's done is done. I'd rather take those nails myself. I'd rather take that bullet than anyone else. At least, the suffering will end faster.
10:20 pm;
N {PROFILE}
Norman Woon
21 Years Young
Male
27/03/1987
MJS, MSS, CJC(rox)
